Naked Brits Blamed for Earthquake

June 16, 2015

Our rowdy youth are notorious pests when they’re abroad; if we’re not casually desecrating somebody’s treasured culture and heritage, we’re striping naked in their streets and peeing on their sacred buildings. And this is only our casual ‘party-time’ tourists, and doesn’t include our other equally famous horde of intrepid travellers – the ‘gap year’ bunch.

This week this latter group received widespread media attention for stripping naked on Mount Kinabalu, an ancient mountain in Malaysia. The guilty party were arrested by local authorities for stripping naked and urinating at the mountain’s summit, because as it turns out, the mountain is incredibly sacred to the native people. So for the sake of banter, the group of tourists received a few days jail sentence and a whole slew of fines.

What are the actual repercussions of this? Well, firstly, the world now hates British tourists that much more – we’re always naked, always loud, and always messing with things that shouldn’t be messed with. It seems that there is just no place or situation where we don’t feel like getting naked is perfectly acceptable. Secondly, the group nearly ended up in jail – they had to admit public indecency and had their names (Eleanor Hawkins from Derbyshire, by the way) dragged through the mud of international news outlets across the world.

A Basic Mission

The typical gap-year student’s essential mission is pretty basic: to post pictures of themselves imbibing the many cultures of the world, so when they return to the desultory English isle they can talk about the revelatory experienced they’ve had (armed by a few terabytes worth of selfies as evidence) and how it has made them a more rounded individual. In reality, these people are usually as receptive to cultural experiences as a rock is to water. And nothing proves it better than this – when the purpose of a sacred mountain becomes nothing more than a staging point for a naked picture and a really big toilet.

The biggest repercussion of all, however, is that they have angered the spirits of the mountain, according to local tribal elders and priestesses from the ethnic Lotud community. Now, we don’t want to start tarnishing the traditions of these people, no matter how crazy they seem to us, because we feel our offspring have already done a good job of this. But common: whilst there are so many things we can blame on our country’s out-of-order youth, we have to draw a line under the accusation that the tourist’s disinhibited acts of nudity started an earthquake that killed 18 people a week later.

When speaking to the mountain’s spirits, the two priestesses were reportedly told that ‘many disrespectful acts’ had angered them, including ‘tall Caucasians going naked’. This anger, allegedly, led to an earthquake on the mountain a week later – because if you’ve just had some git urinate on your head, you’re going to be annoyed.

To remedy this, the Native Chief Saniban Ampilia said that they planned to sacrifice several chickens and offer up bags of rise to appease the angered mountain spirits. These spirits are a pretty fickle bunch really, because it would take a lot more than that for us to forgive a group of foreign tourists urinating on Stonehenge.

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