FIFA Officials Bribed With Prostitutes!

June 4, 2015

Throughout the chronicles of history there has been bribery in one form or another – from a well-endowed goat, gifted to the local aristocracy, to a small bag of gold tightly bound by a ribbon. Our society, however, is far more progressive. We’re gone past these unnecessary gifts of materialism to the good-old fashioned offering of actual flesh and blood.


And where else would this occur but in the highest echelons of the vigorously corrupt FIFA organisation, which is now having its sordid past revealed in a series of corruption investigations. Pretty much not a single person is surprised by the news; after all, FIFA is as dodgy as a Mexican street Pedlar selling ‘Ray Bans’.

So the headline grabbing news lately has been that FIFA has been taking a number of bribes, underpinning the decisions behind the World and Euro Cups and ultimately undermining the international reputation of the sport as a whole. The 90s was a glorious time for many; amidst the explosion of boy bands and its downtempo vibe, the world seemed a perfectly idyllic place, with the promising green pastures of the millennium sprawled out before it.

But beneath this fantastical decade, there were seedy FIFA executives hiding away in dark, dank and scrubby nightclubs and secretive bedrooms, the faint sound of the Spice Girls echoing harmoniously around them.

This is according to the current US investigation, which is probing the organisation on various levels of corruption. According to a statement, delegates accepted sexual favours in the 1990s from countries seeking to influence voting patterns for the future major football events. Assumingly, it became rife within this period due to the growing international popularity of the sport, with the early 1990s representing the cusp of its lucrative future.

Beyond Comprehension

Since the allegations emerged, FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, faced calls to step down. How many sordid liaisons he’s been a part of we can’t quite fathom, but we have to take a moment to laugh at his professed naivety as he claims that he had no idea what was going on.

“I cannot monitor everyone all of the time,” he said during a press conference last week.

“If people want to do wrong, they will also try to hide it.”

Despite this, he’s now stepped down to the pressure from FIFA’s senior members, and from football sponsorships worried about the tarnished reputation of the sport.

Meanwhile, a Swiss journalist and biographer, who has spent his career documenting the organisation’s leading figures, said, “About 10 years ago, the use of prostitutes stopped. It was too dangerous.

“I remember one night a girl called me because she needed help. Members wanted more than she had to give.”

Our heart goes out to this poor girl, who would’ve been confronted by the swarms of lecherous men that occupy FIFA’s top positions, all armed by surprisingly insatiable sexual appetites (though we suppose a blowjob during lunchtime was a casual thing for them).

How many times have we seen FIFA officials condemn the behaviour of the players, who are nearly always in one form of sexual scandal or another? As it turns out, football truly is a man’s game, and for both players and money-spinners, the temptation towards sexual escapades is just too tempting to resist.

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