How To Avoid Crap Christmas Sex This Year!
December 22, 2016
I don’t care if I will sound like the Grinch, but Christmas is one of the most boring days of the year for me. You wake up, you have your bacon sandwiches in the morning, you go to mass at church, you come back home to open your presents, you overeat, and then you spend the last 8 hours of the day watching Xmas movies that the channels repeat every fucking year.
In Christmas 2015, I went out clubbing in Dubai with a bunch of Egyptian guys that taught me how to Salsa, so after experiencing that year, I don’t think a day being a couch potato would entertain me as last year did. In fact, if I were to stay inside, it would be for 24-hour sex.
Nothing can satisfy me better than a wet pussy after being eaten out for 20 minutes straight, and now you guys probably think that I’m a pervert and a whore. Oh well, I can’t contain my excitement for it.
If you love both sex and Christmas, why not celebrate it together? Oh, shit. I almost forgot that most people just eat, drink and sleep. Nevertheless, if you like to get your stocking filled in more ways than one, it’s best to avoid eating, drinking, and sleeping.
Step 1: Don’t have chocolate for breakfast
Sure, eating chocolate straight from a Thorntons chocolate box on Christmas morning is allowed when you were a kid, but if you’re still doing it when you’re 32 years-old, you have to take a step back for a moment.
I doubt your partner would love to taste Terry’s Chocolate Orange in your mouth when he/she would kiss you, or hearing your stomach gurgle because you ate 3 full packs in one sitting. Therefore, I advise you to opt for a breakfast that’s less harsh on your digestive system, and your breath.
Step 2: Avoid opening your gifts straight away
Guys, if you are expecting to get an Xbox One, a PlayStation 4, or a new Nintendo Switch this Christmas, I urge you not to open and play it straight away. Why? Because you would be saying goodbye to sex, and possibly your boyfriend/girlfriend for the next few weeks.
I remember when I was given a few new games for my Playstation 1 on a Christmas Morning, and my parents thought I was missing in action. It’s a tough decision to make, but if you still want to get some action in bed, it would be wise for you to open the presents later in the afternoon.
Step 3: Try to not overeat. Just try
This step will be a hard one for you to complete, especially if your mum will be doing the cooking, and she’s the type of person that’ll think you hate her food if you don’t eat all of it. I will not lie to you, the food that you will receive will be just as good as last year.
You will have bacon-wrapped sausages, roasted potatoes, parsnips, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a fat turkey placed in front of you. It will be impossible for you to resist eating them, but it will be impossible for you to not feel like shit when you’re fucking your partner right after dinner.
So, just try not to overindulge on the food. Just try.
Step 4: Try not to drink too much. Just try
Like with food, you shouldn’t overindulge on the alcohol either.
The alcohol won’t do you any favours when it comes to a bit of Christmas love in the bedroom. Maybe it can be beneficial for the conversations that you’d have with your estranged or long lost relatives, but that’s about it.
If you don’t believe me, Lara can tell you what happens when you have drunk sex, it all ends in a sloppy manner.
Step 5: Avoid the Christmas Movies playing on your TV
I think this step would only be applied to you if you have the tendency to watch your favourite seasonal films on repeat every single year, or if you’re just lazy in general.
I don’t care if ‘Miracle on 34th Street’, ‘Die Hard’, or ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’ will be playing on your TV at 6 pm, those 2 hours that you’d spend on the sofa could have been 2 hours of foreplay, oral sex and intercourse on the sofa. Once you’ve finished watching your cheesy films, you’ll probably end up falling asleep in the middle of a shoddy blowjob or cunnilingus from your partner.
It has become a social tradition for people to act as fat and as lazy as possible on Christmas day, and why not? Most people don’t work on December 25th to spend time with their loved ones, so why couldn’t they enjoy that time by eating, drinking, and sleeping?
Then again, if you get bored as quickly as I do, and you’d rather receive a couple of orgasms instead of a couple of oranges in your stocking, it’d be worthwhile to break the cycle of eating, drinking, and sleeping this year.
She is possibly most famous for her erotic stories, but is equally adept at giving top quality sex advice, all the time bringing in her 'personal experiences'.
When she isn't sharing her most intimate encounters, Zoe keeps herself active by watching videos on Youtube, and listening to music.