Japanese Spring Closed Due to Orgies

June 11, 2015

Too often man has sullied nature with his penis. There’s barely a park these days that hasn’t had a secretive blowjob or two occurred in it, leaving some poor unsuspecting planet or tree with a splattering of a clouded substance. Even for youngsters, the first condom they see is rarely within a sexual education class, but a used, wrinkled looking balloon lying discarded on the pavement.

A Perfect Location

And this, it seems, is true the world over. Last week Japan’s most famous hot spring was closed indefinitely following complaints that it had become a hotspot for steamy, nature-inspired orgies. These carnivorous acts are no stranger to the animal kingdom, so we suppose that the outdoors is the perfect place for it to happen. Still, we’re meant to be civilised and all that – we can’t just go around having wild sex in famous tourists spots anymore, outdoors or not.

The ban came following a number of complaints from frequenters to the spring, which makes us wonder what sort of evidence they gathered about the sex-driven liaisons. Perhaps it was simply that the once clear water had turned into a murky milk sort of colour. A child may be too naïve to know what that strange stringy substance is floating above the water’s surface, but an adult certainly wouldn’t be. Or perhaps it was the spring’s aroma – no longer enchanted by a concoction of pleasant natural smells, but covered by the unmistakeable scent of sex, sweat and wild abandon.

According to The Guardian, the reason was actually that footage had released of the group of orgy-goers. The hot spring, which is located in near Tokyo (in case you wanted to know), traditionally boasts an atmosphere of relaxation and peace. It is three metres wide and ‘comfortably’ fits ten people. According to the Tokyo Reporter website, however, visitors found the orgy groups involving as many as 15 middle-aged-men and several younger women. So we guess it was a ‘no fatties’ allowed sort of scenario.

‘Potentially Damaging’

Speaking of the ban, the head of the local council, Shigeki Tashiro, said, “With the resort being promoted by the prefecture as a tourist attraction, it was a tough decision. However, if left as it is, the image of the area as a tourist destination could be downgraded.”

Local tourist authorities are said to be embarrassed by the ban, who had previously advertised the spring on their websites and promotional posters. We hope they’ll trust us when they say it might help their business to disregard the traditional Japanese sense of shame, and embrace the spring’s new added function. If we were to see a hot spring in a brochure, we might think ‘meh’. However, if that advertisement read ‘hot spring popular for local orgies’ we’d be flying over to Japan right now.

Leave a Reply