There is No Such Thing as Free Sex!!!

September 5, 2016

Man on top of woman in bed kissing her neck

We all wish that the best things in life come for free; nobody wants to cry over the fact that they have to bleed a bit to get what their hearts desire. Or, in this case, what their cocks desire.

As anyone who is human would know, one of the many things that we crave for is sex. Lots of it. We want it when we wake up in the morning, we want it when we’re at the office, we want it when we’re at the pub after work, and we want it when we’re visiting our grandparents that love giving us cheese and pickle sandwiches.

However, the reality is that nothing in life comes for free, and no matter how much those pop-ups on YouPorn say to you that can, you can never get sex for free. I’m not just talking about the actual performance of sex, I’m talking about all kinds of sex. Videos, images, hentai, billboard posters that show half-naked ladies; you name it. If you’re still bamboozled by what I mean when I say that there’s no such thing as free sex, allow me to give you a few examples…

Internet porn – you have to pay for the internet

Original source: Giphy

Remember the days when we could only get the internet by using the cable? Oh, God. I can still remember that horrid noise that used to ring on my old Windows ’97 desktop.

When you discover internet porn for the first time, and you praise how amazing it is to your friends, you suddenly change your mind soon after, when the monthly bill is put through your letterbox. If the memberships don’t burn a hole in your wallet, then the copious amount of hours streaming porn would. Even with all of the broadband that we have now, we still have to pay a chunk out of our paychecks to get that orgasm we want every night.

Men’s Magazines – obviously, you have to pay for the magazine

Original source: Giphy

This section is kind of self-explanatory, but I just love looking at the image above. On a bit of a serious note, when you can afford to pay #30 a month for internet, you resort to pornographic print to get your sex fix.

Obviously, men’s magazines are cheaper than the average internet bill, but you still have to pay. Plus, you end up jacking off to the same pin-up model for a month until the next issue comes out. Who would be able to get hard over the same picture for 30 days?

Watching your neighbours having sex – you need to have bail money at hand

Original source: Giphy

I don’t know who still watches their neighbours have sex; it used to be a big thing back in the 70’s until the internet came along. The price of this kind of voyeurism doesn’t involve money in particular, but does involve your reputation and clear record.

And if your neighbours do get you arrested, then you’re probably going to have to pay bail money to get yourself out…so…actually…the price of this kind of voyeurism DOES involve cash. We live in a monetized world, don’t we?

Meeting a girl from a dating website – membership fees…

Original source: Giphy

Ok, you’ve met a girl that catches your eye. You’ve arranged a date with her in the park, and you even brought in your own picnic so she wouldn’t get hungry.

When you both started to get hot feelings for each other, you take her back to your place and have one of the best sex sessions of your life, maybe even THE best. You lie on the bed with her to catch your breath, before fucking her 3 more times before she has to get back home to watch the latest episode of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

But how did you manage to meet this amazing girl? You’ve paid for a premium membership on a dating website that costs you as much as a train ride to London Heathrow Airport, maybe even more.

Don’t actually take this article to heart; you can still randomly meet a girl in a café or on the streets. But I still want to emphasise the fact that anything sex related doesn’t come for free.

Even if you have met a girl in a café that you’ve grown to like, you still have to pay with sincerity and kindness; that’s not a bad thing, by the way. If you think it is, then you’re an asshole.

Zoe Jaspers
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