The Strangest UK Sex Laws
May 16, 2016
It’s been said that absolute vodka corrupts absolutely… or was it absolute power? Both most likely have corrupted the brain cells of numerous legislators in the UK over history causing them to enact and uphold absolutely absurd laws. Did you know that during the reign of Oliver Cromwell, the dude banned mince pies on Christmas Day?! Many odd laws have happened in history and what’s stranger is many of them remain active perhaps as a milestone of man’s sheer stupidity and a testament to the legislation’s addiction to absolute vodka and power. Take the strangest UK sex laws, for instance.
It’s a fact that the fantastically ridiculous laws presented within are still effective in this age of sexy enlightenment. Dumb laws that’ll have you rolling your eyes like ‘damaging the grass is illegal’ and ‘excluding Sundays, it’s perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow.’ With these laws still active, the question begs to be asked: Is the court system such an absolute drinking game that they’ve forgotten what year it is? Are they using some out dated calender that their favorite Oriental restaurant gave them over a hundred years ago?
Some of the weirdest, strangest laws have to do with kink. That’s to be expected after all, in this wild world of sexual expression, it was only a matter of time before some highly delusional legislator drunk on absolute vodka and power was bound to draw the line. For your consideration, herein are the UK’s most bizarre, most freakish sex laws because love is a battlefield and sex laws are land mines!
Illegal to have sex on a motorbike
You might want to reconsider the ‘ride of your life’ before you mount up and shag this kink off your bucket list especially if you’re in the UK. Or at least keep that bike in its garage or shag on it in a secluded area. While it’s illegal to have sex on a motorbike for some freaky reason, it’s legal for Kayne West and Kim Kardashian to simulate sex on a motorbike during what Kayne suggests is music. For the record, THAT music video should be illegal, but you won’t see that in any sex laws.
No sex on the steps of a church after dark
Die hard Madonna fans may be harboring a Like A Prayer fetish but it’s best not to Express Yourself when it’s after dark and you’re next to church steps with your lover in the UK. Getting down and dirty in the dark may seem like a discreet blanket but the law says “OH HELL NO” when it comes to knowing someone in the biblical sense on the front steps of a church. Bitch, you aren’t Madonna so vogue your pagan porn to a secluded place of worship.
Anal sex carried the punishment of sex for 300 years
It’s a mystery how a sexual act can incur the wrath of punishment that would prostrate itself across multiple lifetimes. That a consensual sex act can incur punishment is as ridiculous as thinking a mortal is going to stick around for a three hundred year sentence! “I’m dying,” the old prisoner told the guard. “Okay but be sure to reincarnate because,” the guard looks at the prisoner’s time card. “You took it in the ass and well, you still have another couple hundred years left.”
Illegal to hang a bed out of a window
After many Google searches there’s no clear way to understand how or why this erratic law has transpired. As someone who’s a firm believer in the ‘Just say FUCK OFF to Snorers’ campaign, this law may have come after an exhausted, emotional lover just couldn’t get good sleep because of their partner’s snoring. Perhaps they pushed that bed out of their window hoping that by closing it, it would give them the space and quiet they needed because they had to work the rest day. Yet something drastic went down maybe their snoring humpty dumpty lover and when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put humpty together again then this law happened.
Thou shall not blemish the peace
We’ve all been there, a couple is shagging like one of them just got out of prison or one of them is about of go away to prison and you’re thinking, “Really? Is this smash and snatch soundtrack necessary for the entire building? Are you taping an amateur porn in there?” I remember when I lived in Los Angeles, my neighbors would shag like they were auditioning for an Academy award winning moment on Pornhub. Once I let them finish and when they did, I turned some porn on full blast and blared it out of my window yelling, “Don’t stop! Keep going! Right there!” While blemishing the peace is a rite of passage in Los Angeles, in the UK it’s a cardinal sin.
It’s forbidden to ask a Scotsmen, “What’s under your kilt?”
At a comedy show once, a comic profiled a Scotsmen and then he decided to have a go at him for wearing a kilt. Clearly he didn’t know that what’s under that kilt might shock him. “Tell us what do you wear under your kilt?” The comic asked the Scotsmen. The Scotsmen smiled and replied, “You really want to know?” “Yeah, that’s why I asked,” the comic replied. “Nothing but your wife’s lipstick.” The Scotsmen smiled and replied.
No two men can have sex if there is a third on the property
This law was made back in the day of age when multiple families lived together in close quarters. It ensures that everyone has a play mate so no one essentially feels left out. I can respect this law after living in a shared community and having to watch a couple go at it from behind a Chinese curtain that was suppose to provide privacy. Instead it provided me with a sexual puppet theater when I would have rather appreciated an invitation to get a little ‘friends-for-cut-side-action’. Sheesh!
Dogging is Legal if no one complains about it
If no one complains when you’re twerking one off where others are known to go for some sucky fucky then you’re clear of wrongdoing in the UK. In the court of public opinion, your case may still be up for some serious review however you won’t face jail time so in the words of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone: Merry Christmas ya filthy animal! If you’re looking to not get caught mid shag then take a peek at How not to get busted having public sex!
Illegal for your dog to shag the Queen’s dog.
Let it be known, any Corgi in England is liable to be the Queen’s dog. Whether it’s about maintaining the blue blood line or just the Queen’s distaste for muts, it’s best to keep clear of Corgis especially if you’re a dog walker and your dog is in heat.
Other strange sex laws
It’s a sexy reality, rules are meant to be broken so by all means, blemish the peace. You’ve got one life to live but on the other hand perhaps avoid the dog park next to the Royal Palace if you’re refuse to neuter Rocco! Are there any sex laws in the UK that baffles you and you think it should be on this list? Then by all means, share what’s on your sexy mind in the comments below.
Curious about other obscure UK sex laws? Then check out this interesting video and discover the rules that you could be breaking in the UK without even realising that these wacky sex laws exist. Click to see the 17 weird UK Laws presented by Mr Hairy Brit.