The Alternatives To ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’

January 20, 2016

You know what really grinds my gears? This fucking ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ novel. Ever since it’s launch in 2012, everyone, mostly women, were throwing their money at their local bookstores to get a novel which is all about a dysfunctional sex relationship between a senior college student and an entrepreneur. To all the girls and guys who have read the book, you might as well have been reading another Twilight novel. Hell, the plot was even converted from a Twilight fan fiction!

OK, just because that it’s one of the most recent erotic novels that we’ve heard of this decade, doesn’t mean that it’s the only erotic novel in the world…nor is it the best. Fifty Shades of Grey just doesn’t do it for many of us. Therefore, I’m here to talk to you about all of the other novels that I’ve read that are much better than ‘Fifty Shades of banal BDSM’.

‘Hush’ by Jo Leigh

This was actually the first erotic novel that I’ve ever read. When I was 16, I enjoyed spending time in the local library where I could read whatever I wanted to. I was mischievous in my own, quirky way! One day, I picked up one particular book, where the front cover had a woman getting her neck kissed by some hot dude with the title ‘Hush’ printed on it.

Now, if any of you guys have heard of this novel before, then you’d know that it’s a Mills and Boon book. And if any of you guys know a lot about Mills and Boon books, then you know how cliché some of their novels can be. I’m not one for corny stories, but for some reason, this book just caught my attention and I could never get the image of a Piper and Trace having sensual sex in the swimming pool out of my head.

Thank you, Jo Leigh, for introducing me to nights where I can touch myself while I read filth at the same time!

‘Tropic of Cancer’ Henry Miller

Back when the U.S. was very strict on sex and pornography, the book was initially banned in the country until it was considered to be a ‘non-obscene’ book in the 1960s. I love the 60s! The semi-autobiographical account of the author portrays and describes his sexual adventures in Bohemian Paris, where he talks about stories of his dirty rendezvous with a range of prostitutes and women.

For me, I like reading real-life accounts when it comes to sex because they express a pragmatic and visceral atmosphere while I read them. Obviously, if you’re going to read a BDSM book that sounds very unrealistic, then you’re going to end up thinking that a story like that can happen in real life! Therefore, people, it may have been set in the 15th Century, but it still makes you realise that most of the fucking that happened in the book was real!

‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’ by D. H. Lawrence

If you’ve watched the movie, then it’s an absolute must that you read the book! What I like about this book is that it’s frank and straight to the point.

This bold story is about the life and marriage of Connie Reid who’d tied the knot with a paralysed war veteran who then began an affair with a gamekeeper called Oliver Mellors. The only thing that I didn’t like was that the gamekeeper and the wife had a lot of ‘simultaneous orgasms’ which I think that’s completely unrealistic. Well, it could happen, but it rarely would.

The ending was quite sad but the middle part of the novel got me hot and bothered a little; especially the amount of forest sex that was written in the novel. Nothing like a bit of outdoor fucking; that’s what I would say! This kind of novel would appeal to someone who likes walk along the edge of a razor blade; someone who would like to take a risk in their lives. Either that or someone who has a fetish for gamekeepers!

‘House of Holes’ by Nicholson Baker

Have you ever had a lot of wet dreams in your life that you’ve wished would come true? I’ve actually had a wet dream recently when a handsome, stocky man was licking my asshole, while I’m against a window in front of a busy crowd in Whitechapel, London!

Well, this is what this book is about. The plot portrays a surrealistic, sex utopia of a range of characters who set up their own theme park that’s dedicated to kinks, fetishes and fucking. When I’ve first read this, my initial reaction was:

‘Am I reading something that a sex fanatic wrote when he was on hallucinogens?’

However, when I continued to read it, I thought that the story was just all about fun and exploration. If you think about it, who wouldn’t want to go to a theme park that is definitely not for kids? Some parents must have been putting themselves through agony when their children wanted to ride the teacups, or go on a horror rollercoaster ride with corny music playing in the background. Instead, you could go to a saucy ride that will satisfy your sexual desires by going on the ‘masturboats’ or the ‘groanrooms’!

Better than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

You see? Guys and girls need to remember that many authors have been writing erotic way before E. L. James had started. You can tie me onto a crucifix for saying this, but I couldn’t finish reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ because it was too banal for me to finish.

Furthermore, I didn’t want to read that book ever again once I’ve read the quote ‘You’re so deliciously wet…’ To me, the book is just as bad as an American blockbuster with a weak story plot!

Zoe Jaspers
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