The Funniest Sex Conversations I Have Had

January 13, 2016

I love talking about sex. Whether it would be something naughty, cute, or even down-right hilarious, I love engaging in a conversation about dicks, pussies and spunk! If you tell me that you haven’t had at least one weird conversation about oral or intercourse, then you’re lying.

We’ve all have experienced one awkward conversation in our lives where we’ve told our friends how we’ve left a massive wet patch on our beds after having a hardcore sex session while being under the influence of alcohol. If someone had told me that, I would have said to her that we were both on the same boat!

Since everyone has started off 2016 with something that’s hard-hitting like quitting smoking and losing the belly fat around their stomachs, I would like to begin the new year with something fun and laughable to chat about. For this article, I would like to talk about the funniest conversation that I’ve had that revolved around sex!

Let’s talk about sex

There will always be one particular chat that I’ve had with my old high school friend that will stay with me till the ground will cover my face. I was glad that this conversation happened in a biology session as the pathetic fallacy emphasised the conversation very well.

Apparently, the friend completely missed Year 6 and didn’t get the chance to learn about sex education, which I understand now due to her circumstances at the time. But at the time, I thought it was hilarious. Now, bearing in mind, this conversation happened around six or seven years ago when I was studying for my GCSE’s. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was studying in college, unlike the other acquaintances who were around me at school and already pulling down their pants in the girls toilets.

However, I was educated enough to know what would happen when you reenact a newlywed’s night of consummation! So, the conversation started with me talking about another girl in the classroom; I’ll be using pseudo-names in this anecdote:

“Oh God, Sadie needs to cool her tits down again; it must be her time of the month.”

Then Lauren asks me inquisitively:

“What do you mean by that?”

“You don’t know what the term ‘time of the month’ means?”


“Well, it’s when you have your period.”

“What’s a period?”

“You don’t know what a period is?”


“It’s when you bleed once a month.”

“Oh! That explains it now…”

Then the chat carried on to the point where we were talking about the human anatomy. Let me remind you, again, that I was 16 at the time!

“So, do you know stuff about men and women?”

“What about men and women?”

“Their bodies.”

“Not really…”

“Do you know what a dick is?”


“It’s a penis.”

“What does a penis do?”

“Guys use it to pee and to enter a woman’s vagina-”

“A what now?”

“…A woman’s vagina.”

“Oh, you mean the flaps?”

This part was a bit long so I’m going to skip ahead to the part about watching porn on TV.

“But, have you ever watched a…sex scene on TV and get that feeling…”

“I don’t know what word you are trying to say to me, but if you’re thinking what I am thinking, yes. I’ve had that feeling when watching something like that on TV.”

“Is that an orgasm?”

From what I can remember, I wasn’t taught about cumming in sex education!

“No, an orgasm is stronger than that. Normally, you would have to masturbate-”



“How do you do that?”

“You touch yourself…down there.”

“Have you masturbated before? Do men masturbate?”



I did the jerking motion with my hand underneath the science worktops and she suddenly burst out laughing like a hyena on steroids. As I’ve mentioned before, it was her circumstances at the time that made her miss out on sex education, but thought I’ve gave her some insight into sex and how to give a guy a handjob.

A little anecdote that some girls could relate to…

A year or two have passed since that initial conversation I’ve had with my high school friend, and another chat like that didn’t occur until I was in an English Literature class with two girls who’ve already had their cherries popped. Billie, a girl who I used to envy for her slim figure, essay writing skills and cowboy boots, decided to talk about what cum tastes like.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember what she said in detail, but the one line I do remember is when she said that a guy’s cum ‘tasted like salt and gruel, mixed together only waiting to be thrown up.’ After that line, my English teacher walked into the classroom and saw me with tears running down my cheeks.

She asked me very randomly:

“Did a boy upset you?”

I said no, but what I really wanted to say was:

“No, but I know one who’s made Billie upset.”

A new kind of hair-gel you should invest in!

Ok, that last conversation may not be funny to a lot of you guys, but it certainly was funny enough for me to cry in front of my English teacher! This chat I’ve had with a strange but awesome stranger happened when I was in my final year at university. A normal third-year student would lock herself in her bedroom with nothing but coffee, books and a laptop. But I felt like I needed to have a midnight venture outside to stop myself from going crazy.

I was with my an old co-worker of mine and we’ve just popped out of a gay bar for a cheeky cigarette. There was a man leaning on the balcony and chatted to a group of other men surrounding him like a Nicki Minaj CD playing on repeat. There was one moment, totally drunk out of his mind, where he came to us and started talking about the best hair gel that anyone could have.

He said that he was running late for work because he was giving another handsome man back at his apartment a blowjob. From what he told us, he was rushing the fellatio rapidly until he received a massive facial. He didn’t have time to wash his hair, but we were asking him what he did next. To sum it up, he mimicked the motion of his hands and brushed his fingers through his hair, as if he was putting on hair gel! We were laughing so hard, the bouncer outside told us to shut up or get lost because we were close to a residential area. From then on, we both discussed that whether he see that guy again, we would call him ‘Spunk-Gel Man’.

If you have any funny sex stories that you want to share with us, don’t forget to write them down on the comments section below.

Zoe Jaspers
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When girls ask me to talk dirty to them, sometimes it is not easy to do. I don't know what to say half of the time. What is the best way of starting a dirty talk?

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