What Happens When You Stop Having Sex?

July 25, 2016

Man in bed with unhappy woman

2014 was the worst year of my life. Why? Because my pussy was suffering from the winter blues.

Two years ago, I was in a job that demanded my mind, body, and soul for almost 60 hours a week, so I couldn’t afford a sex life, even if I wanted to at that time. Furthermore, it was at that time when I broke up with my ex, which made me feel like the Gods were laughing at me.

Like with many habits, my sex life died hard for 8 months, until I went to Italy and a hot stallion took my breath away. To stop myself from sounding egotistical, I know that I’m not the only one that has suffered from a coitus-hiatus; other people suffered from the same symptoms as I did during my dry spell. Now, if some aspects of your lifestyle have changed that decreased your investment in condoms, you should keep a heads up about all of the symptoms that would, or could, occur when you haven’t had sex for one month.

#1. You masturbate…a lot

Original source: Giphy

Sex is more than a thing that we want, it’s a thing that we need. We crave for orgasms and sensations every day and every night, well, I do anyway. I’m pretty sure that within the first week of no sex, you end up touching yourself more than you’d usually do.

Unfortunately, you don’t begin to realise that you’re starting to lose control of your hands until you find yourself buying a bottle of lube every 6 days, or changing the bed sheets every 4 days. If you don’t have a fuck buddy, or you can’t be bothered to go out into the sunlight, you will also find yourself leaving your curtains drawn, and playing porn on your iPhone 6S once every 6 hours.

#2. You eat a lot too

Original source: Giphy

For those who have watched that episode in ‘Sex and the City’ where Miranda stops having sex, including masturbation and starts eating chocolate cake out of a rubbish bin, you will understand the struggle of controlling your calorie intake during your first month of no sex.

In my previous job, I used to work in a patisserie cafe that always gave me cake whenever they coerced me to work overtime, which was part of the reason why tumbleweed was rolling around in my cunt. Next thing I knew, I gained 3 or 5 kilos after three months of no sex and lots of cake.

Why do we eat a lot when we’re sex deprived? Well, because food is the next best thing to sex! When you’re not getting endorphins running in our veins, we substitute to dopamine instead, which are both as good as each other. It would explain why so many people have difficulty in answering the ‘sex or food’ question.

#3. You start seeing fruits like cocks

Original source: Giphy

This is the part where you start experiencing hallucinations. After around 2 weeks of abstinence, you get to the point where general inanimate objects start to look strange to you.

You also get to the point where you start to see bananas as dicks, flowers as pussies, and beer bottles as dildos that they could sneak into their bags and use when they get back home. I haven’t done it myself, but some of my friends have. I have weird friends.

#4. Anyone and everyone looks sexy to you

Original source: Tumblr

After 3 weeks, the withdrawal symptoms start to make you feel, I dare say, desperate. At this stage, you have to be wary of who you meet when you go out with your friends at your local bar, or which friends you even go out with.

During my 8 month abstinence, I actually started to get the hots for a friend who I thought I would never fuck. I don’t particularly have a type, but he definitely wasn’t my type. No, I didn’t actually go to bed with him, but I did end up exchanging dirty snapchaps with him.

#5. You feel like the whole world has told you to piss off…so you start drinking and smoking…you turn into Bridget Jones

Bridget Jones is iconic but we don't want to be her

Original source: Giphy

After all of the wanking you’ve done, the calories you’ve consumed, the beer bottles you’ve stared at, and the random people you’ve gawked at, you suddenly create the illusion that the world fucking hates you. You haven’t had sex for 30 days, your crotch feels dry, and you feel like you’re untouchable and unfuckable.

At this point, you can choose between two routes.

Route number one: you turn into Bridget Jones. Instead of going out on the weekends, you stay at home in your pyjamas, smoke inside the house and drink 3 bottles of red wine in one sitting. Oh, and you listen to ‘All By Myself’ by Eric Carmen on repeat, but it’s ok. Like Bridget Jones, you’ve come to the realisation that you will get dry spells and you know that you can always give your love to food rather than people.

Route number two: you masturbate until the world ends and your cock or clit falls off.

Would you try having a month of no sex?

Original source: Giphy

In conclusion, these symptoms may not appear as threatening to you, but it can start to tamper with your sanity a little bit. Or your waistline, depending how much you eat during abstinence. It takes around 3 weeks for someone to get used to a change in their habits or lifestyles, but when it comes to sex, I don’t think that anyone should get used to abstinence.

Unless, it’s for personal or ethical reasons, of course. I mean, not everyone is a fuck-freak like I am. Some people might give up sex for lent, or wanted to experience what it was like to wear a figurative chastity belt.

Well, whatever your reason, be prepared to endure any symptoms that you might face.

Zoe Jaspers
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