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The bell rang out through the halls, signalling the end of another school day, and I joined my mates as we shoved our way out of the stuffy maths room. More students were coming out of the other classrooms as we walked through the corridor, joining the masses as they all tried to escape.

Ah the trill of meeting an escort. Your heart is racing, your hands are sweaty and your mind is trying to decide whether to have that last wank so you can last just a little longer. But when that beauty moonlights through the door, we know it can be a little too easy to let excitement take over, and your thoughts become a whole bunch of poorly-worded Ping-Pong balls waiting to fall through and clumsily spill from your lips.

Too often man has sullied nature with his penis. There’s barely a park these days that hasn’t had a secretive blowjob or two occurred in it, leaving some poor unsuspecting planet or tree with a splattering of a clouded substance. Even for youngsters, the first condom they see is rarely within a sexual education class, but a used, wrinkled looking balloon lying discarded on the pavement.

We have all had that one funny teacher we remember from when we were at school. Whist the others were rather strict and boring, these individuals would joke with you and speak to you like you were actually an adult. Despite there being a possibility that they would be treated with scepticism by fellow teachers, they really did make you enjoy going to school. However, one teacher in America is in serious trouble after maybe taking it all a step too far.

British tourists are famous for a whole bunch of things, but nothing quite as much as our ability to get pissed, loud and completely naked in public. We’ve gone from the prodigious days of having our own empire covering the entire world to getting our penises and tits out any opportunity we get. We feel that our ancestors would be proud – to see that we’re so arrogantly English, that we just don’t care anymore.

Alan was worried. His wife had arranged a meal at a romantic restaurant for his birthday, followed by a night in a swanky hotel, but he knew that he wouldn’t get sex. He couldn’t remember the last time they had sex, never mind the last time they had good sex.

Throughout the chronicles of history there has been bribery in one form or another – from a well-endowed goat, gifted to the local aristocracy, to a small bag of gold tightly bound by a ribbon. Our society, however, is far more progressive. We’re gone past these unnecessary gifts of materialism to the good-old fashioned offering of actual flesh and blood.

From the Greeks to the Ottomans, and then again onto the modern day Americans, there has been one accepted principle when it comes to attraction: people in positions of authority are hot. Without getting into a discussion about a patriarchal society, this is typically more commonly seen amongst young women, with that Hollywood style beady-eyed look as they stare at their adult superiors.

Out of all the things you could punish a woman for, few guys would think of making sex noises. To some, a woman’s fanatic sex screams are just an awesome boost to the male ego – the idea that you’re able to inspire such auspicious testimonies with just your penis. But even for those that aren’t exactly turned on by loud women in the bedroom, few would ever condemn it.

The need for company knows no bounds. Whether high or low, old or young, it is an essential necessity that we all feel. And there’s nothing to better remind us of that fact then when a high-flying executive hires a prostitute to keep him company on a lonely train ride, and then claims his lascivious getaway as a business expense.